Day 2 - Morning

Morning.  A long and sleepness night.  I feel like I haven't slept, really slept, for days.  And that, of course, is because I haven't. 

Last night C told me that none of my own thoughts are good thoughts.  None of my plans are good plans.  I heard it time and time again.  I know its true.  Desperately want to call or text my wife, tell her good morning and that I love her.  But those are my plans.  I'm squeezing my coin and letting go.

Read this in the Big Book last night: The fact is thatmost alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, ahve lost the power of choice in drink.  Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent.  We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago.  We are without defense against the first drink.

That's sure enough about me, although if I'm going to be honest then I start now by admitting that last Friday, and all the other days before that, I choose to take that first drink.  I choose it because I thought I was smart enough for it to not matter, that just by sheer geographic distance I could hide what I was doing and keep the suffering and humiliation at bay.  I choose it based on bizarre calculations about how long I would need to sober up and get the shit off my breath.  I choose it because I believed it would still all the swirling mess inside of me that only simple hard work - work I've never been able to bring myself to do - can reach.  And of course once you choose that first one, all the others don't matter.

So this is Day 2.  My sobriety date is still December 2, 2012.  Meeting at noon.