Day 4 - Night

So much anxiety today.  Like my insides were simultaneously bursting and collapsing at the same time.

But things heard in meetings today hit home.  "Pray for something to happen, and then act like it did."  I never thought of that, but heard it and I did it.  Prayed that I would know when I get to leave this shithole hotel and the next thing I've got DB on the phone and he is going to help me find more suitable digs, somewhere I can be with Little B, and even Big E, as much as I can, somewhere not, as he says, "In the line of fire."  That brought me some relief.  Enough that I just might sleep some tonight.

Earlier in the day someone shared and then said, "And if no one has told you they love you today, I'm telling you.  I love you."  Damn near started sobbing.  I really needed that.  Who knew that first "I love you of the day" could be so vital?  I knew.  I just quit paying attention.  If I'd been decent.  If I'd been sober.

Today was about honesty.  I'm not the sort that objects to the steps or the book or the program.  Only a few of the people in the rooms drive me nuts.  And for years, I never objected to the program.  Never quarrelled with it.  Never tried to argue with it.  I didn't need too.  I wasn't doing the work.  If you don't listen to Ray Charles, you don't need to convince yourself not to listen to Ray Charles. 

Of course for years I told myself I had a program.  Told myself I would be rigorously honest.  All except about one thing -- that was still going to drink  The look of those words as they are written makes me wonder what would have happened if I would have written them sooner.  But no matter, because they are there now and I can say they are the rigorous truth. 

I went to meetings but I continued to drank.  I lied to everyone about that.

Before yesterday I never really had a sponser.  Went through the motions of getting one, I some people I would call -- usually pretend to call -- but never did any work and the sponser never lasted.  Just like of course, my sobriety.

I announced birthdays I never had.  Even if I managed to put a few days together -- I really did get about 90 days once -- I lied about the birthday because I'd lied about the date of my last drink to start with.  Which is why I say "about" 90.  It was probably more like 83.

Told friends, the marriage counselor, anyone who asked all about the sobriety I didn't have. 

Lied to my headshrinker.  Three meetings a week, I told him.  Yep, yep, got a sponser.  Oh yeah, doing just fucking fine.  I was never, never honest with that dude. 

Over the past two days, I finally said these things, out loud, without any jive, to people.  And that brings me some relief. 

I also prayed for some instructions, especially with my wife and my family, and this meeting tomorrow with the marriage counselor which has caused me so much anxiety and obsession over the past three days.  I didn't have to act like that prayer was granted because it actually was, after the evening meeting by a man named John H.  "Don't smother her," he said.  "My advice, take these 90 meetings in 90 days and tell her you'll see her after that.  If it ain't ready after 90 days, then try 90 more.  This separation is like a trial divorce.  You'll feel different after that and so will she.  She's going to be watchin' you.  She's going to be watchin' you real close.  And if she misses you and you miss her after 90 days of real sobriety, then there you go."  This is not what I wanted to hear, that I'd worn my wife out.  Not in the least bit.  But I didn't have the will to argue with him, and he was way fucking bigger than me.  I just wanted direction, and there it was, and made a lot of sense.

Later I found this in the Big Book:

If there be divorce or separation, there should be no undue haste for the couple to get together.  The man should be sure of his recovery.  Teh wife should fully understand his new way of life.  If their old relationship is to be resumed it must be on a better basis, since the former did not work.  This means a new attitude and spirit all around.  Sometimes it is to the best interest of all concerned that a couple remain apart.  Obviously, no rule can be laid down.  Let the alcoholic continue his program day by day.  When the time for living together has come, it will be apparent to both parties.

This too brings me some relief.  I am an alcoholic.  My sobriety date is December 2, 2012.