Day 3 - Morning

I am an alcoholic.  Sobriety date still December 2, 2012. 

This morning I am guilt, remorse, rot.  This morning I am hopeless. 

Our meeting with the marriage counselor is Wednesday, when we figure out, "what to tell the kids."  I've been holding on to that; it's really the only time in the near future that I'm guaranteed to see her, and definately to be close to her.  I hoped she might touch me, but I don't think so anymore.  On the phone, in the texts and emails, she's so remote, not hostile, or cold even, but flat and far, far away.  This is what I have done.

I want to tell her that I love her.  I wonder if she will be upset if I tell her or if I don't tell her, of if I can upset her anymore or if she's even thought about it. The last time I told her I loved her nothing came back.  That might be worse than not telling her at all.  Perhaps I will find out today.

All night I obsessed over what I want to tell her on Wednesday, what I think the plan should be, how I can be around at Christmas, how I can keep her close enough to see that I'm finally doing the work.  I asked for the obsession to be removed.  Nothing was removed.  So I obsessed for the rest of the night.  I am still obsessing.  Wednesday is tomorrow and it will come and it will go and it will be gone.  I've got to get up and go to work and call my sponser and go to meetings and maybe eat something and find a way to act like I don't feel hopeless and this is what I'm going to do, if only because this place is a dump and I'm not spending anymore time here than necessary. 

I never thought I'd say this, but I should have stayed at the La Quinta. 

Right now I will read "How it works."  Tonight I will call Little B.  That is what I'm hoping on.